Tuesday, 14 January 2014

My Miscarriage Journey

So, most of you have probably noticed that it has been FOREVER since I last posted.  And I have some amazing reasons why.  The first reason is truly a blessing.  We found out that we were expecting our third child at the end of November. 

I was shocked.  I have mentioned before that I am a planner, and while we knew this was certainly a possibility, after 7 months of trying, I had kind of made peace with only having two children.  I had started cleaning out baby stuff.  I had even given away my maternity clothes.

God laughs at our plans, right?

So, I took December off to enjoy my couch and prepare as best as I was able to for Christmas.  Morning sickness is a term I am a little over familiar with.  And mine sticks around pretty much all waking hours.  I managed to lose 10 lbs before New Years.

And on January 3, we went for an ultrasound to get a birthday for our new addition. 

And this is where it all went horribly wrong.

You see, we went in expecting to see what every parent expects to see during that ultrasound.  A baby.  Only we never got to see our little miracle.  The ultrasound tech said that she couldn't find a baby.  She said it matter of factly, like it was ok.  But it wasn't.  I was sick.  I was tired all the time.  I was pregnant dammit.  Where was my baby?

She consulted with the radiologist, leaving us alone in the room.  She came back and did an internal ultrasound.  Then she left again.  And when she came back, she said that there was no baby.  There never was a baby.  These things happen.  You are free to go home and follow up with your family Dr. on Monday.

Pardon me?

We went home, shocked that this had happened.  We didn't know what to think, or how to feel.  We didn't know what comes next.  We just knew that our little miracle...wasn't.

I spent the evening telling our friends and family that we were no longer expecting, hugging my babies (thank God I already had two kids to go home to hug, I can't imagine going home with empty arms), and looking on Google to find out what had just happened.

It's called a blighted ovum, which basically means that when sperm met egg, a placenta, etc., was formed, but something went wrong with the chromosomes, so a baby never actually formed.  My body was still receiving signals from the placenta that I was pregnant, so it was trucking along just as misinformed as I was.  They think that this is actually the most common type of miscarriage.  They say as many as 1 in 4 pregnancies are miscarriages.  Most happen within the first 5 weeks of pregnancy, often before a pregnancy is even suspected.

This left us with 3 options.  I could wait until my body clued in, and I miscarried "naturally".   Since that can take anywhere up to 3 weeks or more, I really didn't want to let nature take its course and torture me in the process.  My hubby agreed, stating that I was going to be heartbroken no matter what, and waiting would just be torture and delay the healing process.

I could take some pills that would cause the "natural" process happen faster, but this would be painful, messy and just seemed like so much more than I could bear. 

Or, I could have a surgery where they would knock me out, remove everything from my uterus, and after 3-7 days, my body would be back to normal.  I think my heart is going to take a LOT longer.

The process was really quite simple, and was the right choice for me.  I do not judge anyone who has made a different decision, as it is a very personal decision.  Only you can decide which option will help you start the grieving process.  I went in to the hospital, they did one final round of blood work, then I waited for an OR to open up.  I was in the operating room for about 30 minutes, although awake for only about 5 of those.  Then I woke up in recovery, waited until I was stable and awake enough to get dressed, then I got to go home.

I went home, hugged my babies, ate a full dinner (for the first time in 6 weeks!), and cuddled with my hubby.  I was in no real physical pain at all. 

The specialist who did my surgery said that she always sends the tissue away just to be sure.  Since I have already had two healthy babies, she is quite certain that there is nothing wrong with either one of us and doesn't really expect any results from the tests.  But she sends it away because the more research they do, the more answers they will have so that maybe they can do something in the future.  It helps to think that maybe I can help someone else not have to go through this.

If you are reading this trying to figure out what is happening to you, know that you will get through it.  5 minutes at a time, one foot in front of the other.